do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
