Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
