Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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