he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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