My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
