Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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