I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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