Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
