At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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