Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize