: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
