Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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