Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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