the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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