Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
