I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
