i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize