It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
