where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
