My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
