im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
