I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
