Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
