I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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