just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
