He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
