I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
