I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
