The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
