I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
