I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
