I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
