if only i could text you this smell
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
