Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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