I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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