he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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