I cannot find my penis.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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