I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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