please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
