I think my vagina is haunted
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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