Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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