Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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