In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
