Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have feelings that need drinking.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
