It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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