So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
