i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
