remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
