I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
