HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
