Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
