I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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