can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I FOUND THE LEGS
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
