I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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