So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
