I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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