the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
