How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
