Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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