and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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